when i feel like i'm dead

everbody in this world must die. everyone knows it. lately I feel scared of death. any person of life, they will prepare for their death. their death would only bring their names, their science, their reward.
yes, I'm afraid of death. because I can't give to the world the best things I can give. I'm not yet makes people that i love happy, I also have to realize my dreams for the communities who are less fortunate neighbors. and one thing, there are still too many sins that I committed.

if i may ask to God "O God, please forgive me, i know i did to much sins in my life. and i also know, You're so Merciful. O Allah please give me much more time to become a better person. i know i'll die soon, but now i'm still nothing, i'm feel like a dust in the table. please give me time to do good in this world, and do/practice every verse in Quran. I love You more than anything in this world. teach me to Your Right Path. makes me your servant who always grateful for whatever You give. Amiin..."

sense of heart

I only have one body, one heart, one destiny. this time too much people push me, many who blamed me, accusing me of. to be honest I was sick, not my physical, but my soul. too many people are changing.
I'm alone to fight this feeling. I even forgot how to get up.
please don't force me to do things I don't like. don't also accuse me of things I didn't do. my heart is sick with all this. I'm afraid I will not have a sense of heart.

WHATEVER!!!

I  WAS TORTURED ABOUT ALL, AND I DON'T WANT SOMEONE ANYMORE!!!!!! I HATE MY DREAMS ABOUT YOU!!!! Y'ALL!!! Y'ALL ALWAYS PUSH ME HARD!!!JUST BLAME ME, BLAME ME!!!! IF Y'ALL HAPPY, BLAME ME UNTIL I BECOME WHAT I WANT!! AND YOU JUST HAVE LOOKED AT ME, NOT TOUCH ME!! BLAME UNTIL YOU DIE!!
I HOPE YOU HAPPY, WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! DON'T WISH AT ME ANYMORE!!!

yesterday evening

yeah, yesterday evening i was met him at my friend's house. because, there was a meeting. short story, my best friend want to tell something to me. so after the meeting finished, and he had gone to his brother home, she start to tell me.

she said, his parents are going to divorcing. actually i was't surprised to hear about it. He had told it to me, honestly I’m very pity of him. But, what can I say to him? I’m not important anymore in his life. I’m nothing for him. 

I don’t accidentally saw him wearing a ring. He wears it on his finger, right hand. I was shocked to see it. To whom the ring was intended? 

always leads to him

I don’t know why I’m increasingly reminded of him who had resigned from my heart. Honestly I've tried to get back to normal again. But why everything encouraged me to remember him. Last Sunday when I came to the meeting, my friend told me he was still noticed. Indeed he noticed me, but it's probably his attention without feeling. I want to be cheered when in front of him, but my mouth was silenced for no reason.

I've heard stories from my best friend, he still asked about me. Even, he asked me if I still ask him. It’s sad, remembering the sweet of promises. But, now I could only smile

This feeling like the walls are nailed by someone. Imagine, I’m like the wall. He nailed his feelings in my heart. But not long after he was nailing, he was pulling it from the wall. Yes, after he denounce it that mark will not be lost, it’s like always to be a hole.

This morning I accidentally read my mother text from. In the entry box there is a name of him, when I open it a little differently. There is no word 'mom' but irreplaceable 'aunt'. No problem he turned to my mother. But I just feel bad when she always asks him. I can only say 'sorry I do not know mom'. I'm afraid she still expects him, not just me.

when they tell me again about their meeting

I've suffered enough when they don't care about me again. so, "please don't tell me about your happiness when you attend meeting with him." that's only make me sick! why? they make me pretend faithfully to listen their story. "I've often used my poker face in front of you. you don't know, how often I try not to shed my tears in front of you. If you're happy with them, with him, with our group PLEASE don't tell me again. you already know, I've alienated with them. at least you know how I feel..."

'I hope my poker face is still there, when I met them' - my wish

I KNOW! but it's so hard

from Saturday until today, I'm very tired. not because my activity is hard, but I'm tired in this sense of indifference. i know I've a mistakes, I've already apologize too. but that mistakes makes me marginalized from them. it's difficult for me, to lead my live. usually, some people hold my hand went I fall. they give me a power or spirit to me, to face any problems. but, now? that people, who hold me they're missing, they're gone, they're no longer concerned about me. I really waste by them, I'm neglected. so poor of me, right?

i cried for four days. these feeling not going right from Saturday. i think I'm like going to give up, it's so hard for me. there's nothing to hold on, everybody changed. they don't see me now, they don't care about me again. in fact, they don't know about that mistakes, they only blame it all to me. how do i clear my name? (it's about him)

maybe, now he can smile as much he can, regardless what he had done to me. yeah, he can make a lot of meeting without me, he can hang out with his group without me of course (cause I'm in his group too), so he can enjoy with them. i hope he will be comfortable with his decision. but he need to know, right here i was tortured.

so, it's hard for me to come back again. back to cheerful, and smile again.