when they tell me again about their meeting

I've suffered enough when they don't care about me again. so, "please don't tell me about your happiness when you attend meeting with him." that's only make me sick! why? they make me pretend faithfully to listen their story. "I've often used my poker face in front of you. you don't know, how often I try not to shed my tears in front of you. If you're happy with them, with him, with our group PLEASE don't tell me again. you already know, I've alienated with them. at least you know how I feel..."

'I hope my poker face is still there, when I met them' - my wish

I KNOW! but it's so hard

from Saturday until today, I'm very tired. not because my activity is hard, but I'm tired in this sense of indifference. i know I've a mistakes, I've already apologize too. but that mistakes makes me marginalized from them. it's difficult for me, to lead my live. usually, some people hold my hand went I fall. they give me a power or spirit to me, to face any problems. but, now? that people, who hold me they're missing, they're gone, they're no longer concerned about me. I really waste by them, I'm neglected. so poor of me, right?

i cried for four days. these feeling not going right from Saturday. i think I'm like going to give up, it's so hard for me. there's nothing to hold on, everybody changed. they don't see me now, they don't care about me again. in fact, they don't know about that mistakes, they only blame it all to me. how do i clear my name? (it's about him)

maybe, now he can smile as much he can, regardless what he had done to me. yeah, he can make a lot of meeting without me, he can hang out with his group without me of course (cause I'm in his group too), so he can enjoy with them. i hope he will be comfortable with his decision. but he need to know, right here i was tortured.

so, it's hard for me to come back again. back to cheerful, and smile again.